A huge part of the Sizzling Summer Sex Series is going to have to do with one major thing: women’s sexual pleasure.
And here’s why: too often we think it’s an afterthought.
Sex seems mostly about HIS pleasure. After all, it ends when he has an orgasm. And so women play a game called “beat the clock”. We try to reach climax before he’s done, which is often difficult, since often what feels great for him doesn’t feel great for us. We’re straining and trying and making a lot of effort to make it for us too–to somehow get something out of this thing which is mostly for him–and often we fail.
Everyday in July I’m going to be talking about how to make sex better in your marriage. And today’s our first installment! I wanted to start with this one so important truth:
God made sex to feel amazing for women, too. Women are not an afterthought.
It’s not like sex is for him, and it’s a bonus if she feels good. It’s that sex was always supposed to be mutual. Her pleasure was always supposed to matter.
Do you know how I know that? Because God gave women a clitoris.
That’s right. God gave women a piece of anatomy that has no other purpose other than sexual pleasure. That’s it. That’s the only reason we have it. It’s a little knob of nerves that feels really good!
And you know what else is interesting about that little knob? It’s outside of the vagina. And that means that God intended sexual activity to not only be focused on genitalia, when he is inside you. He also intended us to touch each other, to kiss each other, to experience all of each other.
Do you know why women often don’t like sex?
Because it just plain doesn’t do much for them. We have focused sex so much on the man, that women’s sexual pleasure is often secondary.
And this is often not the husband’s doing, either. We women can be to blame. We feel as if we should have an orgasm from intercourse alone, and so we feel guilty asking for anything else. We feel as if our bodies should respond to the same things that his does, and so when our bodies don’t, we figure that there’s something wrong with us.
The man has become the standard in what sexual pleasure should be, and we women often play catch-up.
And then people wonder why women aren’t that into sex.
Here’s what all too often happens when couples make love:
You just lie there, trying to get excited and failing, and then start to wonder how long it’s going to take because you just want to get to sleep.
Or maybe you throw yourself into it and you’re all gross and sweaty, but you never reach climax. Afterwards you’re all sticky and slimy, and you’ve got to change the sheets, and oh no, the lube got on the blanket so you’ve got to wash that, too, so it doesn’t stain. And then you really don’t want to go to bed with… you know what dripping down your legs, so you half waddle with your knees pressed together to the bathroom where you jump in the shower.
And he needs to shower, too, but you don’t want to shower together because there’s not a lot of room and you just had sex and it was just “meh” and you’re just kind of bummed and ready for bed and, honestly, a little bit ticked that he made you go through this whole ordeal to begin with.
Does any of that sound familiar? No wonder women so often aren’t excited about it! We go through a lot of mental gymnastics, and a lot of awkward stuff, and then it doesn’t even feel good anyway.
I wrote my Boost Your Libido course to help women feel more excited about sex, and that course truly can do wonders for you! But one of the big points I make in it is that you can’t get excited about something that just plain isn’t fun. It’s like trying to lie to yourself. “Yes, I really want this!” But you don’t. Because there’s no reason to.
So let’s change that thinking! Just like I said in the course, let’s make sex for you, too!
Could the Boost Your Libido Course help me?
Do you find that you can get aroused, but you just rarely do? Do you yearn to actually long for sex again?
You can get there! I’ll show you how your mind and body both work to grow (or shrink) your libido, and I’ll have step-by-step exercises you can do now where you can start seeing immediate results!
I’m not saying that you have to reach orgasm every single time. Not at all! Sometimes a quickie is just the prescription, and no one needs that kind of pressure, anyway. But not reaching orgasm should be the exception, not the rule. In too many marriages, that’s reversed.
Now, if you’re a guy reading this, please understand: Your wife’s pleasure matters, no matter what she says.
Your wife may say that it doesn’t matter if she doesn’t reach orgasm. Your wife may say that she’s fine and that she’s had a good time, and she may genuinely look like that. In fact, she may genuinely feel that. She may emotionally be fine with the idea that you’ve had a great time, and she’s felt close to you, and that’s all that really matters.
But that isn’t all that really matters.
She was created for more. And she will never be able to truly desire sex if it doesn’t feel that great for her.
Again, that does not mean that she has to reach orgasm every single time. Please don’t put that pressure on her, or on you. Sometimes our brains just won’t shut off, and our bodies just won’t cooperate.
But that should be the exception, not the rule. God intended her to experience sexual pleasure, and he gave you to her as your wife so that you would be the one to help her experience that. That’s your job! So if she’s shy, if she’s hesitant, if she’s feeling guilty for asking for something: let her know that this is what you want for her. And that you want to explore this together.
If you’re a woman reading this, hear this: You need to start expecting an orgasm.
I don’t mean that you start to criticize his performance, or that you have to reach an orgasm every time. But if he offers to try to make you feel good, don’t push him away and say you’re fine afterwards because you just want to get to sleep. If he wants to keep exploring, even after he’s satisfied, let him. If he wants to satisfy you first, and you’re feeling super awkward and you don’t like all that attention being on you at once–well, let’s find a way to get over that.
It’s not a healthy situation in a marriage to spend years making sex mostly for him, and denying the fact that you need something, too.
If you’re already quite orgasmic in your sex life, and you’re just looking for more tips from this series, stay tuned!
If this isn’t a problem that you have, we’ll get to other things that can help you in the next few days and weeks, too. But this is the most fundamental mind shift that we need to make, right off the bat: You were intended to experience pleasure. A woman’s sexual pleasure should not always be secondary to his.
Until we understand that, then it will be fruitless mental gymnastics to try to get ourselves excited and enthusiastic about something that just plain isn’t that fun. I’m not asking women to lie to themselves or to think that something that isn’t satisfying is actually sizzling. If it’s not sizzling, it’s okay to admit that. What I am asking is that we start a mind shift where HE is not the standard in what we should experience, and our own needs actually matter. That’s how you get on the road to a satisfying sex life!
Tonight, bring her to orgasm without intercourse (even if she is normally orgasmic through intercourse). Let her be the focus of sexual pleasure. Of course, she can return the favour if she wants. But let her receive the gift of knowing that her pleasure matters, too!
31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It’s the best $5 you’ll ever spend on your marriage!
Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You’ll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.
Find out more here.