Can you be a confident sexual woman?
It’s the last day of July, which means it’s the last day of our Sizzling Summer Sex Series! That doesn’t mean I’ll stop talking about sex, of course (I tend to do that a lot), but I hope that I’ve built up to a central point this month: That sex is about intimacy and vulnerability and fun, and when we ignore one of those areas, we cause ourselves to lose out on so much.
I’ve been reading everything you’ve been writing about being more adventurous and telling your husband what you want (and understanding that it’s good to have sexual desires!). But the problem is that I’m British. I’d love to talk to him about these things, but that’s just not who I am. And if I started talking sexy, I think he’d wonder where his wife went. What do I do?
Great question–and one I think a lot of women have.
It’s not because you’re British!
Honestly, I could hear any number of women saying this: “But I’m from the South!”, “But I’m Nigerian!”, “But I’m Baptist.” All kinds of cultures can be shy to talk about sex.
So, yes, you’re from a culture where this is awkward. I do get that. But so are many, many women.
And the fundamental question is this:
Do we believe that we’re supposed to grow?
Really, ask yourself that. Do you believe that you’re supposed to stay the way you are, or do you believe that God wants you to grow?
Often we use our culture as an excuse as to why we are the way we are. We think of it as something fixed. You know what Paul said about his culture?
Their mind is set on earthly things. 20 But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, (Philippians 3:19b-20)
Our cultures don’t matter. Our God does.
And what does our God want?
For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, (Romans 8:29)
God wants us to be transformed. He wants us to look like Jesus.
Now, that’s a weird thing to think about in regards to sex, and I do get that. So what does it mean to look like Jesus?
I think it means to agree with Jesus. The things that Jesus calls good, we also call good. The things that Jesus calls bad, we also call bad. We conform our minds to His Truth, because He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:2).
We’re not supposed to be conformed to this world. We’re supposed to renew our minds. And that means it doesn’t matter if you’re Southern, British, Nigerian, Baptist, or whatever. You decide that you are going to put all of that aside and chase after Jesus, because that’s what matters.
Let go of this idea that “this is just who I am.”
That is not Truth; that is an excuse. That’s all it is. It is an excuse that says,
“there’s nothing I can do about this, because this thing called ME is an immutable, unchangeable being. So if I’m going to have great sex, then you need to give me some advice that does not actually include any major discomfort or work on my part.”
That sounds harsh to this woman, and I don’t mean to be harsh. I understand that she’s coming from a place of deep frustration and pain and likely hopelessness.
But there is no shortcut to change.
Growth and change only happen when you decide that you aren’t going to accept “who you are”, and you’re going to chase after who God made you to be.
I wrote a whole book on how change happens in marriage, called 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. What I focused on there was this concept from 2 Corinthians 10:5:
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
We take every thought captive, and we examine it, and we demolish any thought that doesn’t conform with Truth. We replace thoughts that are wrong with thoughts that are right.
It’s constant. It’s active. It’s a battle. But this is what we do.
And a neat thing happens when we decide to start engaging in the battle! God starts to change us. That’s what sanctification is. That’s a fancy word for saying that God starts to make us holy by changing us from the inside out.
Can 9 Thoughts that Can Change Your Marriage Help Me?
And often we’re stuck because some of the things that we’ve believed about marriage just aren’t true. We think that he’s supposed to make us happy. We think that we’re always mad and ticked off because of things that he does. We think that we’re not supposed to make waves, but are supposed to go along with everything and not rock the boat. We think that, if we don’t feel close, it must be because we’ve both changed.
What if all of those things are wrong? In the book I look at what God really wants us to think–and some of the truths may surprise you! And I’ll show you how just believing different things gives you very small things to do that make the biggest changes!
Yes, we need to fight. But ultimately it is God who does the changing. Yet He doesn’t do it until we actually yield to Him.
You can see this process in Romans 7 and 8. In Romans 7, Paul is making the argument that the Christian life is hard. And it’s ever so frustrating!
For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. (Romans 7:18-19).
Paul wants so desperately to change, but he keeps falling back.
But then Romans 8 comes! Romans 7 is about trying hard and living under the Law; Romans 8 is about learning to live by the Spirit. And it is the Spirit that changes us.
So how does this work, Sheila? Do we try to change or don’t we?
That’s really the mystery of faith! It works like this: We surrender ourselves to God and work hard to conform to His truth. And as we replace our will with His will, then He starts to change the way we think, so that we become different people. It’s almost a partnership. God does the changing, but He only does it when we decide to surrender and to let go of this thing called “me”. When we stop saying, “This is just who I am”, and we start saying, “God, I don’t want to be like this anymore! I want to stop believing lies and fill my head with your truth”–well, that is when God works.
Does this mean we can be sexually confident?
You betcha! That was deep theology in this post, but I want you to have that as the framework. Change can happen. You are not trapped.
And once you understand that, then I’d like to point you to posts that can help you replace lies with truth, and can help you learn to be that sexually confident woman you want to be!
Check those out (and, of course, all the posts in the Sizzling Summer Sex Series). And remember–you get to choose who you will be. Will you be stuck, or will you start growing towards the freedom and intimacy God made you for?
Your Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge Day 21:
Embrace your sexual side!
Choose a sex-positive message to tell yourself at key times 5 times over the day. Maybe you choose when you hear a phone ring, or when you’re at a stop sign. Tell yourself, “I was created to enjoy my husband and to long for him,” or “I was created for my husband to find sexy!”, or “my body is a gift for both me and my husband, and it’s fun to enjoy it!” Then deliberately spend a few minutes thinking about what that means.
And ask God to start to transform your thinking and your feeling. He wants this for you, and He is eager to help you when you start to surrender!
Now let me know in the comments: Do you have trouble with change because “that’s just the way I am”? How did you get over that?
Sex is supposed to be stupendous–physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it’s not, get The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–and find out what you’ve been missing.