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American Horror Story: Cult: All the Scariest and Funniest Moments from the Premiere

American Horror Story has returned, and this time it’s encroaching on our reality. 

Cult tells the story of people going crazy with fear after the 2016 election, and tonight’s premiere in particular featuring some extremely familiar scenes, with clowns added in just for fun. 

“Election Night” introduced us to Ally (Sarah Paulson) and Ivy (Alison Pill), a married Michigan couple who aren’t doing so great in the aftermath of the election, especially now that Ally’s severe phobias have returned and their neighbors have been murdered. Meanwhile, thrilled Trump supporter Kai (Evan Peters) is rising up, doing horrible things, and preparing to run the titular cult. 

Plus, there are killer clowns! 

Just for fun (because killer clowns are so fun), we’ve categorized the premiere’s significant moments into funny (Hahaha) and scary (Aahhh). Let’s go! 

Aahhh/Hahaha: Those Election Results 

Whoever you were supporting in that undeniably insane presidential election, everything about Cult‘s portrayal of that night was too real. The shock, the blame, the “F–k you, Huffington Post!” for no real reason. What a night that was. 

Hahaha??: Evan Peters Covered in Blended Cheetos

Those were real “Cheese Puffs,” you guys. We’re actually screaming at how gross that had to have been

Aahhh: Twisty’s Back

That deranged clown with half a face is still at it, murdering young lovers in the middle of having sex outdoors in broad daylight. 

Hahaha: But Not Really

It’s just a comic book, being read by a young child who shouldn’t be reading sexy murdery clown comic books. 

Hahaha plus Aahhh: Evan Peters’ Passionate Speech

It was just so reminiscent of so many cringeworthy real-life speeches and posts we’ve tried to avoid reading over the past few months. Also his hair really needs a touch up. 

Aahhh: The Therapist? 

Something about him is…wrong. Like the way he picked up that coral. But maybe we just don’t trust anyone anymore. 

Aahhh: The Grocery Store

We’re never shopping alone again, especially at night. We’re also never eating vegetables without washing them incredibly thoroughly. We’re also arming ourselves with rosé 24/7 from now on. 

Hahaha: Ally Voted for Jill Stein


Hahahaaahh: Winter’s Sexual Confessions

That was some brilliant intercutting between scenes right there. 

Aahhh: Ally’s Dinner

Yeah we’re going to have to send that bleeding hole-filled spinach souffle with truffle oil back to the kitchen, please. 

Aaahhhhhh: The Goddamn Clowns

Sure, have them pile out of an ice cream truck, that’s fun. Such fun. Like a super fun party we’d like to leave now. 

Aahhh f–k: The Clowns Are Murderers

Pretty sure Winter is not to be believed about not seeing the clowns, and that the clowns are horrible murderers. RIP Randall Park. RIP his wife who didn’t vote. RIP our sleep tonight.  

Aahhh f–k: There’s a Clown in the Bed

Real clown or hallucinated clown, it doesn’t matter. We’re sleeping on the couch. 

American Horror Story: Cult airs Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on FX. 

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