Melissa Hebeler / E! Illustration
A royal wedding is unlike a civilian wedding in every sense. Its every development is watched by millions of eyes. There are centuries-old traditions that must be followed. And the brides are practically superhuman.
Just look at any photo from Kate Middleton‘s nuptials to Prince William or Pippa Middleton‘s recent Berkshire bash. (Okay, so Pippa’s wasn’t technically a royal wedding in the truest sense of the word, but it may as well have been). Royal brides are practically perfect in every way—nearly flawless specimen that seem to defy the very nature that created them. There is nary a hair out of place nor a rogue shine on their foreheads. They have been coiffed and primped and primed to an obsessive degree. No stone has been left unturned in their wedding preparation.
Is this attainable? No. Is it fascinating nonetheless? Of course.
So in the name of science and research and pure animal fascination, please refer to the official guide to getting ready for a wedding like a royal bride. When one is set to marry into the most exclusive family that side of the Atlantic, one must adhere to a rigid schedule of chores that proves utterly mind-boggling to laypeople. It starts, as it would, with a huge life change. You must quit your job. Sure, sure, you’re committed to your career and you’re extremely fulfilled, but once you see the rest of your to-do list you’ll quickly realize there is no room for a nine-to-five.
As soon as you’ve hit send on your resignation letter it’s time to sign up for bridal bootcamp. You might even do it at the Grace Belgravia health club (or, rather, “Health, Wellbeing, Medical and Lifestyle Club”) where membership costs approximately two legs and at least one arm and requires you to learn about things like vitamin infusions and colonics while being surrounded by London’s most fashionable society set. You’ll start with a holistic assessment that scans your entire body yet ignores the level of insanity required to pay for this in the first place. You’ll be given a personalized skin and exercise routine and will begin a schedule of bi-weekly facials immediately.
At T-minus two months until Do-Day you will embark on your bachelorette party. This timing would appear to be to ensure that you won’t derail your bootcamp regiment too far, but don’t worry because you won’t actually be indulging in anything close to a toxin this weekend. You’ll be whisked away on a private jet to the lap of luxury, but will find yourself exercising the entire time on some of Europe’s most challenging ski slopes. When you aren’t careening down a deadly trail dotted with trees and the egos of everyone who skied before you, you’ll be forcibly lounging in multi-thousand-thread-count robes and being served green juice and herbal supplements by a butler who will call you madam. As if you didn’t feel old enough already.
Approximately one week later you will find yourself awash in the stresses of a planning a royal wedding, barely able to go on with one more decision about linens and silver. Seeing this, your betrothed will insist that you take a night off to forget about all the work that you are doing without any of his help or input and intend an exclusive Ed Sheeranconcert. You will sit in a private booth and won’t have a sip of alcohol because “Shape of You” is really meant to be enjoyed with a clear head.
With two weeks left to go until the nuptials that the entire world will be watching you will step your workout game up even more. That means sessions with a personal trainer five times a week and Pilates. Long and lean! After three days of this you will break down entirely and hire a personal assistant. You’ve hit the home stretch but you’ll surely find something for her to do after the wedding is over.
Now, congratulations! You’ve made it to Wedding Week. At T-minus five days you will have a laser hair removal session because…well, duh. At three days out you will have a final dress fitting. And since your dress has been handmade by the most exclusive designer, and seamed together with the tears of only the most exclusive nuns, it will fit perfectly no matter what. Get some rest now, because if the nuns can’t sleep then at least someone should.
Two days before the wedding you have a nearly clear agenda: You must simply go for a job around the venue’s property with your soon-to-be-husband. Make sure and look happy and pretty and confident, because you will be photographed by every major news outlet you can think of. Your marriage’s very success hinges on their analysis of this moment. Have you practiced your laugh face?
It’s now T-minus 24 hours which means it’s time to have a very serious talk with your relatives. You know of whom we speak. Issue a polite yet unshakably stern warning about the dire consequences that would befall them should they attempt any drunken antics. You are helpless against what is an inevitable public embarrassment by at least one of them, but you’ll sleep better knowing you tried. Once that’s over, relax and get a manicure, girl! Throw in some intense hair prep while you’re at it, too.
The night before the wedding has come and after you have The Last Single Girl Kiss you will lay your head on your five-star pillow for approximately 40 minutes. There is no rest for a royal bride and your glam squad is due to assemble in your quarters at 0500 sharp. No matter that your eyes are crusted shut and your cheeks are as sallow as that drunken uncle you yelled at yesterday all of your hard work at the spa over the last three months, biweekly facial regimen included, has eroded in one fell swoop of terrible sleep. That’s what the professionals are for. Sit back, let them paint you up, and get ready to be beautiful.