I was thinking recently about how strange it is that we share almost everything with the people we live with. We share colds, we share food, we share stories about our day that are probably too boring for anyone else to care about. But there is one thing that usually stays locked in a mental drawer, even in the closest families: money.
It’s almost like a superstition. If we don’t talk about it, maybe the problems associated with it will just… vanish? Or maybe it’s just manners. I don’t know. But the silence is real, and it’s loud.
The script we didn’t write
Most of us are following a script we didn’t actually write. Think back to when you were a kid. You probably knew if your family was “rich” or “poor” based on the sneakers you wore or the car in the driveway, but did you ever hear the actual numbers? Probably not.
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Parents usually try to protect their kids from the gritty details. It comes from a good place, I think. They don’t want to burden a ten-year-old with mortgage worries. But the side effect is that we grow up thinking money is something private, bordering on shameful. It becomes a taboo. We learn to feel awkward about it before we even have our own bank accounts.
Learning by tripping over things
The biggest issue with this code of silence is that it leaves the next generation flying blind.
If you never saw your parents sit down and wrestle with a budget, or hear them debate the pros and cons of buying a used car versus a new one, you miss out on the “how-to” part of life. You just see the result—the car appears in the driveway—not the math that made it happen.
So, when we get out into the world, we are basically guessing. I’ve seen smart people make incredibly basic mistakes—like maxing out credit cards or ignoring interest rates—not because they are reckless, but because nobody ever showed them the ropes. It’s trial and error, and honestly, the “error” part is usually expensive. It feels a bit unfair, doesn’t it? Like being tossed the keys to a car without ever having a driving lesson.
Inheriting the fear
There is also something deeper that gets passed down in the silence. It’s the vibe.
Even if your parents never said a word about debt, you probably felt the tension. You noticed the hushed arguments behind closed doors or the way the mood shifted when the mail came. Children are like sponges for anxiety.
We end up inheriting those emotional reactions. I know people who are terrified to spend money even when they have plenty, simply because they grew up in a house where money equaled fear. And then there are others who do the opposite—they spend everything immediately, maybe as a way to rebel against the scarcity they felt growing up. We aren’t really making free choices; we’re reacting to old ghosts.
Also read: A Practical Money Check-Up for Families
The wedge between us
Silence creates distance. I think that is true for any secret, but especially with finances.
When a couple avoids the topic, it creates this weird, low-level stress in the house. Maybe one person is worried sick about retirement, and the other thinks everything is fine and books a holiday. It’s not that they don’t love each other; they just aren’t looking at the same map.
And if things are going wrong—if there is debt or a lost job—hiding it is exhausting. The effort it takes to pretend everything is “normal” drains the energy out of a relationship. It builds a wall. And eventually, the truth comes out anyway, usually when it’s too big to hide.
When the worst happens
This is the part nobody likes to think about, but it’s where the silence actually becomes dangerous.
When a crisis hits—an accident, a sudden illness, or a death—the family is already reeling emotionally. If the finances are a mystery on top of that, it turns a tragedy into a nightmare.
I’ve seen families scrambling to find passwords or unsure if there is even money to pay for a funeral, all because the person who handled the bills never talked about it. It adds panic to grief. It leaves the people left behind vulnerable, trying to piece together a puzzle without the picture on the box.
Also read: The Quiet Drift: When Your Lifestyle Expands Without Asking
Breaking the ice, just a little
I’m not suggesting we need to post our bank statements on the fridge or have formal, terrifying family meetings. That feels unnatural.
But maybe we could just… lower the barrier a little? It can be small. Just mentioning, “Hey, this electric bill was higher than I thought,” or “I’m trying to save for this specific thing.” Just normalizing the vocabulary.
It’s about taking the mystery out of it. Because money is just a tool, really. It shouldn’t be the thing that scares us into silence.
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